Again(?)

I just realised..

No matter how much I tried..

I still can't move on..

I tried to find a solution to it..

Yet it's easier said than done..

I kept on chasing..

And chasing..

And chasing..

But..

Instead of trying to use it as an excuse to 'move on'..

I finally admit defeat..

I can't 'move on' simply..

When that particular person still holds my soul..

And my mind..

And even my desire..

Struggle to find a new replacement..

Reality hits me hard when it makes me suffer more that I imagined..

When the 'old me' tries to take a step ahead..

Memories drag me 2 steps back..

How can I avoid it?

I can't confess..

As I know, I wouldn't be the one that she'll choose..

I can't be honest..

As it will only bring bad luck to me..

I can't even try..

Because the 'me' that is being seen is actually something out of the league created..

Someone who doesn't even have the chance..

Someone who just have to give up..

Who doesn't even have any hopes..

To take it to another level..

I miss that voice..

I miss that attitude of yours..

I miss that annoying trait of yours..

But..

What else can I do?

When I can't even do anything..

To fill that emptiness that requires you to do it..

love?

Trusting Issues..A Paranoia

Being trusted,and giving the trust to someone..

It's like you are giving a dagger that could only kill you to the hands of others..

To give trust is not an easy thing to do..

Not to mention to gain trust..

For me?

I trust no one..

Welp..

Most of them maybe about 60% to 80%..

or even less...

But they won't achieve until 100%

And will never do..

Me?

Why?

Because I'm a paranoid..

A paranoid in trusting others..

Because of certain events..

And the way I see things..

That's all..

It's hard to be able to trust someone fully..

For my case,only a few..

A FEW

That can be counted using less than 5 fingers..

Or lesser..

I'm trying to change..

To give others the chance..

But as a precaution..

I have my own ways to do things..

Even though it hurts..

So that I won't give that valuable thing to someone who doesn't deserve it..

Trust..

Trust huh?

Such irony in my life..

Rambles #1

That feeling when you want to stay away from people..

For certain reason everything that they do seems annoying to you..

It is not the first time..

Maybe because I simply still cannot adopt and adapt with them..

Not to mention my own attitude..

And emotions..

Sometimes it feels so lonely that I wanted to cry..

But when I am about to cry, I suddenly lost the reason to do so..

And the feelings cannot be expressed..

Nor released..

It is frustrating..

Because yeah, I'm tired of keeping it..

I wanted to share, but don't have the courage to do so..

I can't find someone like me..

No, not someone like me..

Just that someone that can earn my trust to do so..

Someone that can really make me trust him/her almost without any doubt..

Not to mention I can actually be myself..

Not the one that I'm trying to fake right now..

Low self-esteem?

That's me alright..

In everything..

I'm just a tiny little microorganism among my friends..

With ability which is none to nil..

Seeing them..

Everyone with their own abilities..

Hardworking..

Soft skills..

Computers and such..

Music..

Fast learner..

Me?

Nada..

None that can actually being proud of...

It's a pity...

I envy them so much that it made me feel like I'm not suitable for them..

Not good enough..

Does not have the qualifications..

Not even in their league..

A socially-awkward person..

Timid..

Thin..

Not bright enough..

Lastly?

Having this fucking low self-esteem..

Just by listening how they talk..

Communicating among themselves..

My peers..

Classmates..

All of em..

Slaps me hard..

Made me realize that I am so freaking out of the league..

Being picked on?

It's normal..

But yeah..

If it's frequent..

Until it resembles yourself..

Wow..

It decays itself in me..

Attaching it's claws inside..

I'm dying..

Yeah..

So true..

Every second of it..

Having someone special that you can actually share something?

I guess I have one..

I guess..

Confirmation?

Nope..

Not going to guarantee anything..

It's just me..

Just me..

Me..