Trusting Issues..A Paranoia

Being trusted,and giving the trust to someone..

It's like you are giving a dagger that could only kill you to the hands of others..

To give trust is not an easy thing to do..

Not to mention to gain trust..

For me?

I trust no one..

Welp..

Most of them maybe about 60% to 80%..

or even less...

But they won't achieve until 100%

And will never do..

Me?

Why?

Because I'm a paranoid..

A paranoid in trusting others..

Because of certain events..

And the way I see things..

That's all..

It's hard to be able to trust someone fully..

For my case,only a few..

A FEW

That can be counted using less than 5 fingers..

Or lesser..

I'm trying to change..

To give others the chance..

But as a precaution..

I have my own ways to do things..

Even though it hurts..

So that I won't give that valuable thing to someone who doesn't deserve it..

Trust..

Trust huh?

Such irony in my life..

Rambles #1

That feeling when you want to stay away from people..

For certain reason everything that they do seems annoying to you..

It is not the first time..

Maybe because I simply still cannot adopt and adapt with them..

Not to mention my own attitude..

And emotions..

Sometimes it feels so lonely that I wanted to cry..

But when I am about to cry, I suddenly lost the reason to do so..

And the feelings cannot be expressed..

Nor released..

It is frustrating..

Because yeah, I'm tired of keeping it..

I wanted to share, but don't have the courage to do so..

I can't find someone like me..

No, not someone like me..

Just that someone that can earn my trust to do so..

Someone that can really make me trust him/her almost without any doubt..

Not to mention I can actually be myself..

Not the one that I'm trying to fake right now..

Low self-esteem?

That's me alright..

In everything..

I'm just a tiny little microorganism among my friends..

With ability which is none to nil..

Seeing them..

Everyone with their own abilities..

Hardworking..

Soft skills..

Computers and such..

Music..

Fast learner..

Me?

Nada..

None that can actually being proud of...

It's a pity...

I envy them so much that it made me feel like I'm not suitable for them..

Not good enough..

Does not have the qualifications..

Not even in their league..

A socially-awkward person..

Timid..

Thin..

Not bright enough..

Lastly?

Having this fucking low self-esteem..

Just by listening how they talk..

Communicating among themselves..

My peers..

Classmates..

All of em..

Slaps me hard..

Made me realize that I am so freaking out of the league..

Being picked on?

It's normal..

But yeah..

If it's frequent..

Until it resembles yourself..

Wow..

It decays itself in me..

Attaching it's claws inside..

I'm dying..

Yeah..

So true..

Every second of it..

Having someone special that you can actually share something?

I guess I have one..

I guess..

Confirmation?

Nope..

Not going to guarantee anything..

It's just me..

Just me..

Me..

Mumblings

Yes..

Seriously I can't even contain my feelings..

It pours smoothly..

But unfortunately..

Not the positive ones..

I just want something..

But it is an impossible item..

A rare one I guess..

I was being too ambitious..

Hoping for something that never really mine..

Such a hypocrite person I am..

Acting strong..

To hide the brittle little thing inside..

Acting tough..

Acting so optimistic..

Giving such advise..

When none of this body can take any of the trash mentioned..

Hey..

Can't I be a little happy?

Or did I take a wrong turn?

Trying to actually BE happy..

But at the same time..

Walking on a path full of sharp razors..

Sometimes I wonder..

Am I really important to you?

Can't I just be treated the way you treated THEM?

It hurts..

Just to see it..

The differences of the treatment...

It feels like I am a phantom..

Observing from the darkness..

Without you noticing..

It is painful even to think about it..

But hey..

I manage to smile..

Deep inside?

I am trembling..

Crying..

Struggling..

Choking..

Desperate..

Trying to kill myself..

From this suffering..

I hate if of course..

But I'm afraid..

Afraid of the answer..

That you will give me..

Bored?

Hehe..

That is funny..

Until I want to spill my guts..

Seriously..

You guys really should date..

Ignore me please...

I don't mind..

Seriously..

Just kidding...

Not even a hint of happiness came..

The one that go?

Don't even ask about that..

Only God know what I felt..

And still feeling...

Can I cry?

No I can't..

No..

I can't..

When tears turns to blood..

I can't endure the pain..

This loneliness..

Just won't go away..

I did say...

"I'm Okay ^^"

Did I really meant it?

Please..

The item that you hold..

It is precious to me..

Don't do this to me..

I can't..

I just can't..

Those words won't come out...

I just don't know where..

Or how..

Or even who..

That I want to share this..

To share this 'happiness'..

No..

I won't..

I won't be a bother anymore..

Especially to others..

Once it happened...

And I hated it since...

The girl...

Disgusts me...

Bitch..

I will remember it..

Stupid memories..

I want to forget all about it..

The past hurts...

I love to watch everyone happy..

And..

Until I realized it..

Why is it that I am this lonely?

I tried to avoid it..

But it came twice as big..

And slapped me hard enough..

To fall..

To crawl..

Without the feeling of wanting to walk again...

Or even stand...

To face others...

Can't I just get a text from you?

"Hey :D"

That is the happiness..

Naa..

Never a thing that is permanent..

That change..

Ah..

I forgot..

I only exists when you are lonely..

Wait..

Did I even exist in your world?

Do you even have the memory of me?

Hahaha..

It's funny..

Because I don't think so..

You totally forgotten about me..

Haha..

That is funny..

I never thought I will be like this..

Forgotten so easily?

Wait..

Did I even existed to be forgotten?

Hahaha..

It is HILARIOUS!

I came..

And leave..

Without you even noticing..

You are just too busy..

And I was extremely ignored..

Ignored..

I love that word..

It resembles me a lot!

And also anonymous..

Damn I fucking love that word..

I'm nobody..

Just a tree..

To be a shelter..

For a while..

But after that...

Was being chopped down..

Till the root...

So even the existence was vanished..

Till none..

From zero..

Till zero..

Or even lower than that..

I'm lost...

Totally lost...

In my own fantasy..

In the world that I created..

The beauty..

The wonderful texture..

Hunts me..

With the darkness that hid itself..

Such an irony...

A beautiful beauty with a hideous nature..

Such a pain..

Nice cloak you wear...

I was tricked...

Thank you..

I really thank you...

Thank you so much...

I just can't describe it...

Drop dead..

The past is a hunter..

That hunts you..

And the future is a stalker..

Watching the steps that you will make...

While the present?

It's devouring you...

With a smile...